Death. The room smelt like death. Loneliness. The room smelt like loneliness. In the middle of it, on a mediocre bed, I laid. I laid there and I couldn’t move. I couldn’t escape the smell of impending doom of death and loneliness. What felt like thousands of wires and tubes were attached to my body… in my nose, my arms, my mouth. What even was the point anymore? What was I still holding on to? There was nothing left for me to fight for.
Four months without him was four months too long. It all happened so fast that I never had time to even prepare for him to leave. One day, he was having a stroke. Only a few weeks later, he was dead. And I was a widow. How was that supposed to be fair at all?
And then I heard his voice again. It was soft and I thought he was calling out to me from behind the closed door of my hospital room. I could have sworn it was him weaving his ways through the lonely hallways in the middle of the night, looking for me, saying, “Claire, I’m coming.” And then he would come inside and sit down next to me, holding my hand tightly, promising he’ll never leave me again. I wanted to hear him promise I was safe with him.
But it wasn’t him. And I knew it wasn’t. I was silly for believing even for a second it might be. I closed my eyes in defeat, feeling a new weight come over me than I had never felt before. As soon as I started to feel at peace, I heard someone burst through the door and run to my side. I didn’t want to open my eyes to see who it was. I knew it wasn’t him. No one else mattered. He was gone … and all I wanted was to be with him. I was sick of living a life that he couldn’t be a part of anymore. I was sick of walking on the earth without him also being on it.
***
I woke up the next morning somewhere different. I wasn’t in my hospital bed, no, I was somewhere brighter. I was somewhere familiar and comforting, and I felt someone who I loved with me. They weren’t a doctor or a nurse using ingenuine kindness whenever they came into my room. I slowly opened my eyes and was welcomed by my mother’s smile. I sat up and was not held back by wires or tubes. She looked different than I had last seen her. Her eyes were lively and blue again instead of grey and tired. Her skin was smooth instead of worn and wrinkled. She wore a dress that met the floorboards colored an emerald green. She held my hand in hers and whispered, “Claire?”
I didn’t know what compelled me to say, “Yes,” but as soon as I did, eight women who I knew to be my best friends throughout my life came in, holding a white wedding gown. They were all screaming with delight and pulling out their makeup sets and hair curlers. My maid-of-honor Anna’s hand grabbed my wrist and gently pulled me to sit down in front of the mirror. She began wrapping strands of my hair around the wand, while stroking my arm.
“Are you excited?” She asked, almost squealing with excitement herself.
“Of course I am,” and then I realized, this was a memory. It was 60 years ago. I was 20, and I was marrying Dean, “This is everything I have ever wanted.”
My friends ran around me, trying to get ready as fast as they could, all expressing their happiness for me and Dean. We were perfect. We had the type of love everyone else wanted to experience. All of a sudden, there was a knock on the door, inciting more high-pitched screams of joy. My mom opened the door to Dean’s best man, who was holding a bouquet of flowers and a letter. He said, “Hello, ladies, I have something for the future Mrs.”
I walked over and thanked him, he nodded then scurried away back to wherever he and the rest of the groomsmen were getting ready. Everyone gathered around me, craning their necks over my shoulder, desperately trying to see what was written inside the envelope. Anna pushed everyone away from me, laughing, “Guys, this is private. Let her read this in peace.”
My bridesmaids all obliged and left me alone in the room. I tore open the envelope and immediately recognized Dean’s scribble on the paper.
“Claire, where do I begin? You are the love of my life. I cannot wait to be standing up at the altar with you today in front of our family and friends. You are everything I could have ever wanted and more. You are kind and generous. You are so witty and you fit in perfectly with my family …”
The note was full of compliments expressing Dean’s love for me and how excited he was for our future. Today was only the beginning. I closed my eyes, but when I opened them, I wasn’t holding Dean’s letter of promises anymore.
***
The bright light of the hospital room shined directly in my eyes. Four doctors were crowded around my bed. When I looked down at my hands, they were old and grey. My nails were no longer perfectly polished, and there were two bands around my ring finger instead of only one. What was going on?
“She’s awake!” One of the doctors exclaimed, “Claire, can you hear us?”
“Wh-What?” I whispered in return.
The doctor turned around towards the one by the door, “You can let her daughter inside.”
The second doctor left the room and the others began writing down notes around me. A few minutes later, a familiar face came in. Her cheeks were stained with tears and I could tell by her shaky hands that the day had been full of anxious waiting. She wore a somber smile and she slowly sat down on the edge of my bed.
“Hi, Mom, how are you?” Her words were soft and the sound of her voice immediately made me forget what was happening. Dean always said she was going to be the most amazing woman, and he was right. I looked at Poppy in admiration at who she had become.
I fought to let the words escape my lips, “Poppy …” Talking has never been difficult for me. Why was it so hard now?
Poppy closed her hand over mine. I felt her fingers intertwined with mine and I began to let my eyes close again in comfort.
“No, Mom, wait…” Poppy placed her other hand on my cheek and rubbed her thumb across my skin, “Stay awake, please…” I heard her start to cry again, but I couldn’t do anything to comfort her. There was no strength in my hands to squeeze hers. I couldn’t promise her everything was going to be okay like I did when she got hurt as a child, because I didn’t know if everything was going to be okay. I didn’t even know what was happening to me.
I tried my best to keep my eyes open for her. I wish I could have told her I wanted to stay awake. I wanted to keep looking at her. I wanted to remind her that she had her father’s eyes.
***
Finally, I found the strength to open my eyes again. I opened them to me looking into a mirror, alone. I wore my wedding gown with the delicate lace adorning the fabric. My grandmother’s diamond necklace was clasped around my neck and the gems draped perfectly across my chest. I ran my hands through my curled blonde hair, admiring the work Anna did. Everything was done by my friends -- my hair, my makeup, even my dress was borrowed. They knew Dean and I were paying for everything by ourselves. I played with the engagement ring on my finger, everything was exactly how it was supposed to be.
My mother came in through the entrance behind me. She wrapped her arms around my waist and smiled, “You look beautiful.”
I turned around and took a deep breath, “Thanks, Mom.”
“Are you ready to go?”
“Yes.”
Her face was full of excitement as I spoke. I laced my arms through hers and she led me out of the room, outside to the garden where I was about to make my vows. I heard the voices of our guests down the path but they were soon silenced by the start of the piano. My dad walked over to my mother and I and kissed both of our cheeks, then my mom went to her seat.
“You look beautiful,” my dad beamed at me, “Are you ready?”
I nodded, “Of course.”
My bridesmaids all floated down the aisle, and suddenly, it was my turn to walk. The piano slowed a little to signal my entrance. The crowd all stood up and turned around, eagerly waiting to see me.
My dad took a step forward and I immediately followed his lead. My blue heels clicked against the cobblestone path. When I looked up, I saw Dean’s eyes glimmering in delight at the sight of his bride. I gripped tightly onto my bouquet of eucalyptus and baby's breath. I giggled a little bit at the sight of him tearing up, Dean was never prone to be one who cried. I felt tears also begin to well up in the corner of my own eyes.
Eventually, we reached the end of the aisle and my dad gave my hand over to Dean. I couldn’t tear my gaze off of him. His dark curls were perfectly in place around his ears and forehead. He looked so dapper in his black tuxedo and tie. He held me with such tender care that made me forget anyone else was around. It was only me and him. He was my new life and he would be forever. I stared into his eyes, not wanting to look away from their sweet chocolate color.
Our officiant, Steven, began to speak, “We are gathered here today to celebrate Dean and Claire. I have been lucky enough to get to know them throughout the years and see how they love each other. I knew Dean long before he met Claire, and I know she has made him into a better man…”
Steven said the same thing to me three years prior at a Christmas party with all of Dean’s coworkers. Dean and I were fighting all morning about things that weren’t going to matter in a few hours. He was upset, because he thought dinner was going to be served too late. I was disappointed, because I felt like it was my fault.
“I don’t know what else you want me to do, Dean?” I cried, “I can’t cook the turkey any faster!”
“I know, I know,” he sighed, “I just don’t want our guests to be forced to wait until 9 P.M. to eat dinner.”
“You should’ve gotten home from the grocery store earlier then.” I snapped back at him.
“This isn’t my fault, Claire.”
“Yeah, and it’s not mine either.” And I quickly walked away without Dean getting in another word.
Steven caught me as I was at the oven, checking the turkey to see how close it was to being done. He put a hand on my shoulder and softly rubbed it, “You know he is just stressed out, right? It’s not about you at all.”
“I know, but it’s still not fair.” I turned the oven light off and stirred the mashed potatoes on the kitchen counter.
“He loves you,” Steven said, “I knew Dean long before he met you, and I know you have made him into a better man.” And he walked away, back to the party with their other colleagues.
I shook my conversation with Steven off as Dean came next to me.
"It’s nobody’s fault,” Dean wrapped his arm around my waist and kissed my cheek, “I’m sorry. This stuff just happens.”
I nodded and pulled him in closer to me.
***
Dean squeezed my hands tighter, so giddy to be there with me. When we reached the part of the ceremony for the vows, Dean pulled a piece of paper out of his pocket, “Claire, I always knew there was something special about you. Everything you need to know about how I feel about you was written in that letter. And I promise to forever be the man who makes you feel like you are special,” I couldn’t hold back anymore tears as he continued speaking, “You are a gift straight from God. You made me better. I am the luckiest man to be able to spend the rest of my life with you…”
I tried blinking away the tears to save my mascara.
***
I blinked again and I was quickly brought back to my hospital room. It wasn’t fair. “Let me be with Dean…” I strained to whisper to no one, and began to cry.
“What?” Poppy asked helplessly, tears streaming down her face.
My hospital gown was already used like my wedding gown, something borrowed. My socks were baby blue like my high heels, something blue. My skin was dry and cracked, something old. And finally, I realized what was going on. I was about to die, and that was definitely something new.
Poppy leaned over me, one of her tears dropped on my arm, “I love you, Mom.”
I opened my mouth to tell her about her eyes. They were a swimming pool of sweet caramel. Flecks of gold were scattered around, just like Dean’s. They were no ordinary brown, no, they were deep and reminded me of how the sunlight came directly through our living room window in the house Poppy grew up in. I remembered her playing with her stuffed dog on the grey carpet, Dean giggling, holding our old cat, “protecting” him from Poppy’s dog. Every time, Poppy ended up rolling on the floor, almost in tears from laughing so hard, the sunlight shining across the room. And every time, Dean would look up at me, so full of joy and love.
“Your eyes, Poppy…” I breathed.
Poppy sniffled, “My eyes?”
“Your dad…”
“I love it when you tell me we have the same eyes,” she smiled, “It’s okay, Mom. You can go be with him. It’s okay if you’re ready to go.”
“I love you, Poppy...”
She cried, “I’ll be okay.”
I breathed out one final time, “...I love you, Poppy.”
***
“I love you, Claire.” He finished his vows.
And it was my turn to promise to love him forever, “Dean, everything that has happened in our lives has led us to this exact moment. You made everything I went through worth it, because without it, I wouldn’t have gotten to be standing in front of you on our wedding day…” I explained to him how much I loved him and how I never wanted to spend another day without getting to call him my husband. I loved him more than anything else.
Next, I slipped the golden wedding band around his finger softly. It fit perfectly, like it was always supposed to be there. Then he did the same for me, the small round diamond glistened in the sunlight. I admired the rings for a second before looking back up.
And finally, the officiant announced, “Dean, you may now kiss your bride.”
The crowd all stood up, applauding joyfully and cheering us on. Dean wrapped his arm around my waist and pulled my hips into his. Our lips met with a passion unlike anything I had ever felt before. When he pulled away, he put his mouth close to my ear and promised, “You’re safe with me.”
And suddenly, everything else disappeared. When I looked behind me, my bridesmaids and all of the guests were gone. The world around us turned into a bright white, but Dean stayed and remained himself. His voice still sounded like a choir of angels calling out to me. His arms were still wrapped around me. His amber eyes still looked directly into mine.
His arms were where I always belonged. And I had finally come home.
